I'm crazy, just ask me.

I'm getting older.   No way around it.  I'm getting older.  Things are changing.  Creaks that I never hear before are beginning.  I find myself looking to see who is sneaking in the door behind me only to find out that the creak that I thought was as door opening was just my knees.

"Daddy, come play with me!"  Mia will plead.  There I am.  Lying there on the floor wondering how long before she'll start to get offended that I'm not playing with her.  The energy that use to flow nicely and allow me to keep up with my bouncing kids seems to have left the same way that my ability to do times tables in my head has gone.  Do I just need a 5 hour energy?  Or just a constant IV drip.

Lately the thing that has begun to impact me is my way of thinking.   My fears for the future.  My desire for my daughters to never have to experience pain.  Did my parents have the same fears that I now have?  

I'm beginning to think that I'm just losing my mind and beginning to go a wee bit crazy.  When I'm driving to work each morning, there's a moment of panic as I see what the current gas prices are.  What happens when the world runs out of oil?  What happens when  gas prices shoot to 20 bucks a gallon?  You probably don't even want to know how much further my mind goes.  I begin thinking about the end of each different phase in history.  Is this phase going to come to a close because the world runs out of oil and blood, carnage, and widespread death comes rolling in?  Billions will die and only the strongest will survive to usher in the next era?  

Yeah, I'm nuts.  What do I need?  Therapy?  Medication?   A cabin in the woods with a few hundred thousand bullets and a nice warm blanket?  

I think that a lot of this mental struggle that I have is caused by my fears for my girls.  I feel confident that Carrie and I can muddle along through life but what about Paige and Mia?  I can't protect them forever.  Maybe that's part of the whole learning experience that I'm destined to go through.  I need to realize that for thousands of years, parents have raised kids and the cycle has continued.  What makes me any more special than the billions before me?  

What does it all teach me?  Hmmm, not quite sure.   I still feel a little mental just looking at what I typed and wondering if I even want to post it out there.  I try to suppress my worries as much as possible because I really do feel that the more I talk/think about it, the more it's going to have a negative affect on my life.  How much do I think about it and try to make a difference or how much do I just wave it off and figure that I can't do anything about it but need to be happy with my family?  

I've been going through quite a bit of person struggles lately that have really caused me to look at many of the things that are at my core.  The very root of who I am and what I've thought that I believe in.  It's been a really rough last 14 months and I know that I'm different.  I'm changed.  For the good or the bad - I'm not sure.  I think that it's been one of those times in my life that I'll look back and realize that it really helped to define me.  I'll continue trying to make sense of it all.  I feel like I really am rambling now so I'll hold off until a later time.  Thanks for listening - whoever is out there.