Guy Time

Over the past handful of years, I've really not been a good friend.  Now, I'm not saying that I'm rude to friends of mine or talk behind their backs.  I just have really taken for granted so many of the close friendships that I had developed over the years.  I'm talking specifically to guy time.  That time that Carrie is always pushing me to go have.  Poker nights.   Strip clubs.  Smashing things.  Okay, so not exactly that kind of guy time exactly but rather just time with the guys.

Living with three women may have a little bit of an affect on me.   I haven't exactly arrived at the point where I'm craving Ryan Gosling movies or choosing between my pink shoes with sparkles or red shoes with rubbies but I'm sure that living with the three most important peope in my life has probably made me a hair less manly.

Full disclaimer here.  I am a man and I eat a handful of nails twice a week not because I have to but because I want to.  Makes me a man.  That said, the past few days I've been able to hang out with a few of the friends in my life that I hadn't exactly spend much time with over the past few years.  Reminded me how good of friends I've had and how important they are in my life.  Before you think that I'm a softy, please refer to my comment about eating nails.   These guys have always been such good friends and always been a support to me for many years.

It really was a call to a reminder that I need to try harder.  I have other guys that I work with and associate with that I realized that I really need to be a better friend to.  My specific coworker that has to share a cubicle with me in particular has to deal with my smelly presence on a daily basis.  It's amazing that after 4 years of having to be around me that we still get along so amazingly well and I consider him one of my closest friends.

I also feel so blessed to have two brothers that I get along with so well.  I really miss being able to give my brother Jason noogies in person.  He has been such an incredible source of support and example to me.  I can be a little mixed up at times and he knows just how to ask the right questions.   My younger but much wiser brother, Dave, has never given up on me and continually reaches out for guy time.  I hope that my years of being a recluse hasn't hurt things forever.    Dave has talked me into trying for a triathalon in September.  Am I nuts?  Most likely.   I couldn't hope for better brothers.

Sooooooo, what am I trying to say out of this?   That I'm a man, I eat nails, and I can a get a little girly sentimental at times and I understand if you judge me because of it.   Thanks to those guys in my life that still will spend time with me.  I am making a committment to be a better friend.

I'm crazy, just ask me.

I'm getting older.   No way around it.  I'm getting older.  Things are changing.  Creaks that I never hear before are beginning.  I find myself looking to see who is sneaking in the door behind me only to find out that the creak that I thought was as door opening was just my knees.

"Daddy, come play with me!"  Mia will plead.  There I am.  Lying there on the floor wondering how long before she'll start to get offended that I'm not playing with her.  The energy that use to flow nicely and allow me to keep up with my bouncing kids seems to have left the same way that my ability to do times tables in my head has gone.  Do I just need a 5 hour energy?  Or just a constant IV drip.

Lately the thing that has begun to impact me is my way of thinking.   My fears for the future.  My desire for my daughters to never have to experience pain.  Did my parents have the same fears that I now have?  

I'm beginning to think that I'm just losing my mind and beginning to go a wee bit crazy.  When I'm driving to work each morning, there's a moment of panic as I see what the current gas prices are.  What happens when the world runs out of oil?  What happens when  gas prices shoot to 20 bucks a gallon?  You probably don't even want to know how much further my mind goes.  I begin thinking about the end of each different phase in history.  Is this phase going to come to a close because the world runs out of oil and blood, carnage, and widespread death comes rolling in?  Billions will die and only the strongest will survive to usher in the next era?  

Yeah, I'm nuts.  What do I need?  Therapy?  Medication?   A cabin in the woods with a few hundred thousand bullets and a nice warm blanket?  

I think that a lot of this mental struggle that I have is caused by my fears for my girls.  I feel confident that Carrie and I can muddle along through life but what about Paige and Mia?  I can't protect them forever.  Maybe that's part of the whole learning experience that I'm destined to go through.  I need to realize that for thousands of years, parents have raised kids and the cycle has continued.  What makes me any more special than the billions before me?  

What does it all teach me?  Hmmm, not quite sure.   I still feel a little mental just looking at what I typed and wondering if I even want to post it out there.  I try to suppress my worries as much as possible because I really do feel that the more I talk/think about it, the more it's going to have a negative affect on my life.  How much do I think about it and try to make a difference or how much do I just wave it off and figure that I can't do anything about it but need to be happy with my family?  

I've been going through quite a bit of person struggles lately that have really caused me to look at many of the things that are at my core.  The very root of who I am and what I've thought that I believe in.  It's been a really rough last 14 months and I know that I'm different.  I'm changed.  For the good or the bad - I'm not sure.  I think that it's been one of those times in my life that I'll look back and realize that it really helped to define me.  I'll continue trying to make sense of it all.  I feel like I really am rambling now so I'll hold off until a later time.  Thanks for listening - whoever is out there.